PERILOUS ARGUMENTS - CURBING THE QUIRKS

Ask me my pet peeves? Arguments. To see people in the group start off with a point, repeat it over and over throughout the prolonged conversation,  and start yelling to be understood. Every time I find myself getting into one, I bite my tongue and save my argument for a more important time.

When other people are speaking, we normally plan for what to say next in our turn. I learnt this. I must not tune them out. They deserve to be listened to, and when they’re done I can take a few seconds to think before beginning my point.

When they’re a close family member or friend, see not their words but their hearts instead. Know that their true intention might not be of hurting you. Other people may not have your flair for words. It's not plain that their intent is negative. They can learn to speak good words by listening to good language. Asking them to clarify can save you and them from big unpleasant arguments. Make yourself get things straight. 

Excessive talking can make the argument go off the track. Try staying on the original issue by saying "Let's resolve this problem first, we'll come to the other ones later."

Avoid fights not conflicts. Especially in close relationships, it’s vital to talk about things that bother you about the other person. If you keep ignoring, you go in a state of denial and will soon find yourself resenting your close mate for the things that irritate you. But avoid carrying out a discussion when you’re feeling angry the most. You will radiate negativity. The right time to approach the discussion is when you've got past your anger. It takes me a night to completely let go of my anger. I keep quiet about the topic until the next morning when I'm ready to discuss. It may take some people a day or two.

Pick your battles after thinking for a while how big a deal that matter is. A friend in my class forgot emailing the rest of her group the guidelines for the exam next day. None of the group members reminded her of it that day. They kept boiling inside and resented her for not letting the others know about the guidelines. The girl was flabbergasted for not understanding why she was being treated that way. The group developed a habit of nagging just because they would bring up every little matter and it would break into an argument. So the next time something really serious happens, the girl will not take it as a big thing. It'll come across as just another fault-finding tactic of theirs.

The group could've dealt with her with kindness. They chose to be punishing instead. This veered the girl off into retaliation. The group itself was responsible for her bad behaviour which she started showing later on. Another classmate of mine was an average looking person, not intelligent and hardly achieved anything in life. Surprisingly people were more attracted to him, solely because he was kind.

No matter how hard you try, you will be faced with people not willing to give in in an argument. If you’re kind, your time is worth the discussion. When the argument is over, leave the other person feel esteemed. You may have demoralized people close to you, accidentally but your words that demeaned them will sting them even after years. When you’re right, don’t rush to prove yourself right. You need not prove yourself at all. When other people are in a happy mood, they’ll admit what you said was right provided you made them feel valued.

This post is dedicated to my junior Jawad Kazmi, who is one tough act to follow in kindness and my classmate Maimoona Junaid - one of those people I've enjoyed good communication with.